Dogs, cats and babies are magical and amazing because they are alive and they feel. If they feel then they must also yearn. Why must that be? Because the word yearn exists and we might as well get some use out of it. So you yearn… I yearn, we all yearn for ice cream… And to do new and exciting things with our life.
I am great with children because it’s fun to play like a kid. People tell me I would be a great dad, and I tell them it would kill me. On so many levels… Then I list them all. After 30 or 62 great reasons why I(just me doesn’t have to apply to everyone) shouldn’t have a kid of my own. They say, “but it would be different if it was yours”.
Yes! I know! I saw the episode of Friends when Ross’s monkey held his finger and then that other time when it was a baby… Oh and every other movie and real life occurrence that make childbirth wicked heart-warming.
Meanwhile in metaphors-land I also think nobody should have their own iron giant from space. It might go crazy and/or accidentally destroy everything. But if it was mine… Well! I would think very differently. Like Hogarth. Yes, he was doing a great job of turning his killing machine into a lovable buddy. I’m still not sure that’s an experience every kid needs to have. Probably not.
All babies are potential killing machines. I for one, don’t want to inadvertently be their secret origin catalyst that lead them to a life of murder. Or their victim. Eventually they do learn to talk and hate you, then never visit. Perfect. However, I can’t wait years and years for a kid to resent me and leave me alone. Like I said, I’m super fun with kids. But they’re not as great as me. I have to do all the work and they absorb all my energy. It’s fun… But I can’t do it all day and don’t yearn to do so.
Dogs, Cats and Babies get bored. You can see it in their faces and if they are my responsibility… Then my job is to make those bored faces, happy.
I never had a baby and mostly lived with cats my whole lie. Yes I said “lived with” because you don’t own cats. They can leave any time they want. A cat is like a clever Jerry in that episode of Rick and Morty where they left Jerry at a daycare for Jerry’s. He could leave whenever he wanted, but it was up to him to decide which was better. Inside daycare service or outside freedom and the unknown.
Dogs, however, have more feelings than babies and cats combined. No I didn’t want a dog, and yes I knew I’d feel different if/when it was my own. Still, try to remember that everything alive is a potential killing machine that can get bored… Boredom leads to eating faces.
Dogs have little faces that are polluted with emotion. I hate that about my dog. He can look at me and have a very bored expression. He can sigh and rest his bored face on my leg like he learned it from a YouTube tutorial. That look destroys me. So I entertain him.
We just walk or find some trails where he can run free or play hide and seek or whatever. Who cares? I do! that’s who! Dammmit! Shiiiiit! When you try to learn how to make another living thing happy and it’s happiness matters to you. Well you’ve got a friend right there… Let’s go with buddy… Because that’s what I usually call my dog. Ma’ Buddy.
He lives in two separate places now. Either my place or Tara’s. Which is great because who wants to have a dog all the time? Nobody. My best friend just told me how much better life is just by sending her kids to day-care for just two days a week. Probably for just a few hours. It’s amazing how much of yourself can be absorbed by something with a face and it feels rude to ignore it for your own stupid reasons.
When I have the dog at my place, he will not stay in a room if I’m not in it. Clearly he’s built up a fear of me not coming home, as I don’t come “home” all week long. He even started hanging out in the barroom while I shower, which he never did before I moved. It can feel annoying being stared at by a bored little horse. It’s also great to talk to a bored little horse. His excitement for walks gets me excited for walks and his expressions are really fun. Yes, It’s different because he’s mine.
This is a long way of saying I miss my stupid dog. It’s great to get a break and go for a walk without worrying about losing him under a truck. It’s still strange to go walking without him. Right now I’m at a place on the edge of a cliff that is also too close to the road. There’s no way I would be able to sit and type if he was here right now. I’m extremely grateful to know he gets attention no matter which home he is in, because I can’t stand feeling responsible for hurt feelings. I also can’t text him something funny to make sure he’s not stuck in a funk. I just have to hope he’s not.
This… is actually an even longer way of saying there’s an apartment down the road where a woman sits out front. Her lawn strewn with kid’s toys and bikes. There seemed to be the remnants of three or for kids of varying ages. She held her forehead in her hand and her phone in the other. Just scrolling and not really reading or caring. Perhaps wishing she was enjoying the drunken fun that led to all these kids. A dog on a very short rope paced back and forth. Absorbing her disdain for life and all who inhabit her overwhelming hell hole. The dog had a small patch of lawn warn down to dirt… where it spent it’s life. As the lady had her mental state worn down in by her stupid life. I wanted to say, “Excuse me but, I’m sure you and your significant other are terrible parents… So what. Fuck your kids, they’re probably already Murderers and I hate them. But that’s your buddy there tied to a house. You invited him over… For his whole entire life. He just wants to go for a walk. Take him for a fucking walk please. You look like you need to walk away from this mess for 10 minutes yourself… and nobody knows you like your buddy. Not your stupid kids or your idiot husband. Only three beings know you well enough to know what you need: You, Your Buddy, and the Shadow… Because the shadow knows!!! Dammit! You’re acting like a piece of SHIT!” But I didn’t yell anything. I’m not super crazy.
I want to feel bad for this woman, I really do. But if you tie your buddy to a house, and leave them there… You’re a piece of shit. If I tied my best friend Amanda to a house, I would expect her to stab my face off while she called me a “real piece of shit”.
You don’t have to be the Shadow to look into the eye of an animal or through the eyes of Sarah McLachlan to see that there are so000 many dog feelings in there. Sure, it will feel different when it’s yours, it’s super true. So be careful not to ask for more giant robots than you can Handle. Just to keep wanting to scream some very basic ideas at a sad lady on her own front lawn.
Just Walk your Effing Dog and don’t be a fuck about it. Please and/or thank you.
Last week I took Burke for a Walk, then we made a talk show. Then we played in a field.
Here’s the talkshow…
Click here to Watch and Subscribe on YouTube.
Also Listen to the Podcast on iTunes. Plus we have books, art and more on our site.