Category Archives: Blog Rants

2016/2017 the Poem.

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Dog Naps with a side of Snuggle-fries.

Every day at around 11:30am the dog tries to take a nap while I try to make art and videos.

I used to think that before his nap,  he was trying to let me know he had to go outside to pee in the yard. Now I know that’s not the case.

He would stare, or try to grab my hand and take me to what I though was the door. Sometimes he does a little silent bark, like a little finigin sock puppet. Regardless, he was just never really satisfied with whatever I thought he was thinking.

I eventually figured out that no matter how old he gets, he still just wants to use me as a pillow like he did when he was a tiny puppy.

He’ll jump up on the couch. Try to find a comfy place for a minute. Then jump down and come stare at me and occasionally look at the couch. As if to say, “The couch is broken, please fix it.” So I do. It’s the easiest thing to fix in the world. So easy that I can fix it with my butt.

He jumps up on the couch that I fixed by sitting on it and in less than 2 minutes, starts snoring with his eyes open until he is completely asleep. I wish I could could say it’s a huge inconvenience. But it’s the best way to think about what I’m going to have for lunch.

It is also the best way to accidentally fall asleep in the middle of the day. Which can be a huge inconvenience. Some people might also think that stopping to smell the roses is an inconvenient waste of time. I find that inconvenient times are the times when stories start, or you have time to think about the stories that are already happening.

Either way, this particular rose smells like popcorn farts today.

This week’s Video that we made between naps is, A Labyrinth for Christmas. Which you can Watch now.

www.NosuchThingAsGrownups.Com

​Winter is Always Coming

It’s that time of year when I add yet another blanket to the bed. The same time of year I try to figure out a way to live my life from under these comforting comforter blankets.

I usually don’t think of any reasonable solution aside from finding a crazy rich lady. One who thinks I’m adorable when I’m wrapped in blankets and does everything in her power to keep me there and happy. Kind of like all those memes about how to “keep your woman happy”.
Sure I’d get bored of it like the meme-women do. The winter months, however, would be pure bliss though. Pure bliss and hot apple pie from the grocery store(I assume)

The other option is to set up all the gear for my YouTube Morning show in my bedroom. Just wake up and say, “Morning Everybody!” Then talk about how great it is to be a blanket-person. Then complain about how difficult it is to get food delivery people to come to your bedroom.
Of course interviewing the delivery people that ARE willing could be fun, until I realize they steal from me. It’s just a fact that everything in the next room would be fair game. A real good-news/bad=news situation.

Like Lisa Simpson paraphrased, “Crisis and Opportunity are the same thing”. The crisis of getting out of bed in Canada is also the opportunity to reboot my own version of “the Big Comfy Couch” which would be “Curtis’ Collection of Comfy Comforters”.

If you’re already watching the show each Friday, you know I already have cartoon characters and puppets to talk too. There has even been a clown. Sure it set me on fire…but it was a warm Christmassy fire. The only thing I seem to be doing wrong with this show… is getting out of bed.
Every show thus far, is delivered by sitting in fun chairs with interesting weirdos. But only Joan Rivers did her YouTube show from bed, and it was great. I’ll just be adding more blankets and imaginary guests. It sounds like a good formula for happiness… therefore it must be!

Now that I’m down to 20% battery power I have to decide to make some changes: so that my own little world fits me, or to get out of bed and try to fit in the world around me? It’s a tough decision filled with crisis and opportunity.

In the end I have to think, episode 46 was the best I’ve done so far. There’s no way to make an episode 46 from my bed. Charging alone requires getting an extension cord in here. I can’t possibly sleep with a pile of electricity filled cords surrounding my bed like sleepy eels. Another crisis. Easily solved by the opportunities I’ve already created in the next room.

I’ve also managed to avoid learning about “bed-sores” my whole life. First-hand is not the way I plan to learn about them. So I’ll get up, open curtains and lights and follow my imaginary heroes the Muppet’s and the Loony Tunes because – on with the show… this is it.

Winter will always be here or on its way. So will crisis which means there is always another opportunity with which to warm One’s self from the inside out.

Like a Clown-fire.

Click here for more contest info and to enter.


www.nosuchthingasgrownups.com/contest

Anybody can Enter! Draw, Paint, Photoshop, 3D… Whatever you do. I can’t wait to see it.
Have Fun and Post your art on Facebook.com/MorningEveryBody to be participate.

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nARTcissistic Art Contest

Not too Long ago my fantastic friend Tara wrote a rant about how Art contests should be called “Shart contests”. Because they’re more like a shitty fart than an actual contest a person can compete it. Which is true. She also said it’s okay to enter an art contest as long as it’s for fun. If you enter expecting to win based on artistic merit you will be in for a world of disappointment. Art is subjective and people are the weirdest judges of things.

While she ranted about this I’d entered into an animation contest. A contest that was kind of fun but at a certain point I realized, “This contest isn’t all about me.” I could enjoy it, but like most things in my life: I didn’t just want to be in the contest, I wanted to be the contest. So I thought good and hard about the entire history of the world (As one should always do when making a decision).

Back in the days when I supervised an animation studio full of maniacs, I had business cards. About a thousand business cards. I handed out 6 or 7 of those thousand. One of them is still on my mom’s fridge today.

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Everybody used a hi-contrast photo of themselves for their card. When they got to the art nerds: Ron Doucet, James Boyd and Me… we said, “No, we’ll draw ours”. Which super irritated Mike the graphic design engineer (It was fun to irritate Mike). After we submitted our images, some of the “normal” Nonimators wanted cartoon versions of themselves too… we had started a thing and ruined Mike’s week. It was a good week.

The open box of business cards sat on my desk… forever. Animators and visitors would ask, “what are these for?” Then never take one when I said, “They’re for people to take.” Until one day somebody drew on one and added to the the name and/or job title. It was meant to be hurtful but still funny. Later people started using white out to remove the drawing and add their own. Eventually the secret was revealed that you could simply erase what you wanted. With a common house hold pencil eraser. After that people would stop by to grab a handful at a time. One animator said, “What if you run out?” and I replied, “That’s just the first box, there’s another 500 cards in the drawer.”

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I posted them all on the wall, even the offensive cards. One person asked what it was for. I asked them what they meant by that. They seemed to think it was some kind of contest, that there was some kind of ending. I said, “No. I’ve asked nobody to do any of these. Not one of them. People just do them. They sometimes ask permission for some reason, but other than that, no… there is no reason but fun”. I should have given out prizes. But I didn’t. I just did my job and occasionally posted a business card on the wall. People were often offended if I didn’t put theirs on the wall right away.

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So within my survey of all of time I decided the “Draw-Me” contest was never officially finished or started. So I made an official: Draw Milo and Me Contest with Prizes.

screen-shot-2016-10-18-at-5-55-50-pmI’m both excited and terrified to see how people see me. It’s probably a huge mistake, but most fun stories start with at least one weird mistake…

…Here’s the video of the beginning of this particular mistake.

 

Click here for more contest info and to enter.
www.nosuchthingasgrownups.com/contest

Anybody can Enter! Draw, Paint, Photoshop, 3D… Whatever you do. I can’t wait to see it.
Have Fun and Post your art on Facebook.com/MorningEveryBody to be participate.

contest_website_cover

 

Fun Facts, Ear Buds, and Zac Morris

BlueTooth Headphones are the greatest! The… Great.. essT. Super Greg Number One, even.

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My old wireless headphones were as big as two Zac Morris Cell Phones, Plus you had to be in the same room as the base which was another Zac-Phone and a half that needed a wall plug.
Now I can go anywhere with normal sized headphones playing music from my phone or computer or whatever.
So, Yeah. We’ll lose airpods like crazy, and I can tell by looking at them that they’d fall out of my li’l ear-hole in 3 steps… But those Airpods are probably the best. Like, the absolute best? Not the first Gen, of course. But AirPods 3 will be fantastic for sure… when they come with some device upgrade, or show up free in the mail with a signed picture of Bono.

Reg BlueTooth headphones are great though. There’s a thing they’re attached to, so you don’t lose them. Plus the “Thing” part has buttons to adjust volume and skip songs (and answer phones if that’s a thing you do). I bet the Zac Morris of today would love these over that weird Bluetooh ear-piece.

Maybe the Earpods 4 will be great ones. I don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up about the Gen3’s over here. I’m Kinda’ just killing time really. My Brand new Mac is in the shop… display is flickering constantly. Fresh out the box. Sounds super common on the internet.

Hey, Remember when apple was the greatest thing? Yeah, Me too.
What were we just talking about today? Ah Yes BlueTooth Headphones are fantactic, Bluetooth earpieces are gross and always remember… Zac Morris could stop time!

The End.
#FunFacts #MorningEveryBody

 

Speaking of headphones; Here’s a show about Music, Dancing, RoboCop and Cartoons!

 Click here to Watch and Subscribe on YouTube.

Also Listen to the Podcast on iTunes. Plus we have books, art, comics and more on our site.
www.NoSuchThingAsGrownups.Com

The Squirrel Debate

 

Everyone is probably not talking about the Squirrel Debate. I am actually wondering if there is a squirrel debate. There probably isn’t. But what if there was?

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I just saw about 59, or a thousand squirrels in the past 2 days. Plus, I was just followed down the street by this one squirrel. A squirrel that parkoured over and through everything near and far. Always keeping an eye on me like a CG character. This British guy was like, “When they look at you, you can see they’re figuring things out. Systematically testing the fences.”
Are they CG? It would make more sense to me if you told me some algorithms were animating them. That way I’d know that they’re ability to defy all gravity and law, would be harmless. Existing to amuse me and make the world a better place.
But this squirrel was mostly showing me that it could jump as high as my throat. It also made sure I knew it could perform complicated actions in mid-air. It’s claws could could obviously cut through tree trunks without a second thought about the environment or people that care about me.
It just parkoured in that way you do, when you’re about to tear someone’s throat out and say, “Yes! The squirrels are just taking over now… on a Tuesday! We’re the kings of the Matrix Shit-head! We can upside-down!”
Then they do. They just take over. They’re quick. Sooo quick.

No I don’t think we need a Preemptive strike. I’m not saying let’s throw around acts of war. Not at all.
I am however, terrified of America.
I’m not even going to point at anything specific. Just. All of it.

I’m hoping that “meanwhile in Canada” my biggest worry is maaaaybe… these squirrels eh?
Or whatever you got. I can probably jump on board with your thing instead. Too many Deer on your Snowmobile trail? Bacon prices? They’re crazy right? Way crazier than that other thing that’s going crazy down there. Ya’ know… super deadly squirrels.

Seriously though. That thing was moving like it was being directed by Ang Lee.

The End.

 

Now you Want to listen to a show that’s not about Squirrels or Trump?… Here it is!

No Such Thing As Grown Ups!

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 Click here to Watch and Subscribe on YouTube.

Plus we have books, art, and more on our site.
www.NoSuchThingAsGrownups.Com

 

 

Dog Feelings

Dogs, cats and babies are magical and amazing because they are alive and they feel. If they feel then they must also yearn. Why must that be? Because the word yearn exists and we might as well get some use out of it. So you yearn… I yearn, we all yearn for ice cream… And to do new and exciting things with our life.

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I am great with children because it’s fun to play like a kid. People tell me I would be a great dad, and I tell them it would kill me. On so many levels… Then I list them all. After 30 or 62 great reasons why I(just me doesn’t have to apply to everyone) shouldn’t have a kid of my own. They say, “but it would be different if it was yours”.
Yes! I know! I saw the episode of Friends when Ross’s monkey held his finger and then that other time when it was a baby… Oh and every other movie and real life occurrence that make childbirth wicked heart-warming.

Meanwhile in metaphors-land I also think nobody should have their own iron giant from space. It might go crazy and/or accidentally destroy everything. But if it was mine… Well! I would think very differently. Like Hogarth. Yes, he was doing a great job of turning his killing machine into a lovable buddy. I’m still not sure that’s an experience every kid needs to have. Probably not.
All babies are potential killing machines. I for one, don’t want to inadvertently be their secret origin catalyst that lead them to a life of murder. Or their victim. Eventually they do learn to talk and hate you, then never visit. Perfect. However, I can’t wait years and years for a kid to resent me and leave me alone. Like I said, I’m super fun with kids. But they’re not as great as me. I have to do all the work and they absorb all my energy. It’s fun… But I can’t do it all day and don’t yearn to do so.

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Dogs, Cats and Babies get bored. You can see it in their faces and if they are my responsibility… Then my job is to make those bored faces, happy.
I never had a baby and mostly lived with cats my whole lie. Yes I said “lived with” because you don’t own cats. They can leave any time they want. A cat is like a clever Jerry in that episode of Rick and Morty where they left Jerry at a daycare for Jerry’s. He could leave whenever he wanted, but it was up to him to decide which was better. Inside daycare service or outside freedom and the unknown.
Dogs, however, have more feelings than babies and cats combined. No I didn’t want a dog, and yes I knew I’d feel different if/when it was my own. Still, try to remember that everything alive is a potential killing machine that can get bored… Boredom leads to eating faces.

Dogs have little faces that are polluted with emotion. I hate that about my dog. He can look at me and have a very bored expression. He can sigh and rest his bored face on my leg like he learned it from a YouTube tutorial. That look destroys me. So I entertain him.
We just walk or find some trails where he can run free or play hide and seek or whatever. Who cares? I do! that’s who! Dammmit! Shiiiiit! When you try to learn how to make another living thing happy and it’s happiness matters to you. Well you’ve got a friend right there… Let’s go with buddy… Because that’s what I usually call my dog. Ma’ Buddy.
He lives in two separate places now. Either my place or Tara’s. Which is great because who wants to have a dog all the time? Nobody. My best friend just told me how much better life is just by sending her kids to day-care for just two days a week. Probably for just a few hours. It’s amazing how much of yourself can be absorbed by something with a face and it feels rude to ignore it for your own stupid reasons.

When I have the dog at my place, he will not stay in a room if I’m not in it. Clearly he’s built up a fear of me not coming home, as I don’t come “home” all week long. He even started hanging out in the barroom while I shower, which he never did before I moved. It can feel annoying being stared at by a bored little horse. It’s also great to talk to a bored little horse. His excitement for walks gets me excited for walks and his expressions are really fun. Yes, It’s different because he’s mine.

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This is a long way of saying I miss my stupid dog. It’s great to get a break and go for a walk without worrying about losing him under a truck. It’s still strange to go walking without him. Right now I’m at a place on the edge of a cliff that is also too close to the road. There’s no way I would be able to sit and type if he was here right now. I’m extremely grateful to know he gets attention no matter which home he is in, because I can’t stand feeling responsible for hurt feelings. I also can’t text him something funny to make sure he’s not stuck in a funk. I just have to hope he’s not.

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This… is actually an even longer way of saying there’s an apartment down the road where a woman sits out front. Her lawn strewn with kid’s toys and bikes. There seemed to be the remnants of three or for kids of varying ages. She held her forehead in her hand and her phone in the other. Just scrolling and not really reading or caring. Perhaps wishing she was enjoying the drunken fun that led to all these kids. A dog on a very short rope paced back and forth. Absorbing her disdain for life and all who inhabit her overwhelming hell hole. The dog had a small patch of lawn warn down to dirt… where it spent it’s life. As the lady had her mental state worn down in by her stupid life. I wanted to say, “Excuse me but, I’m sure you and your significant other are terrible parents… So what. Fuck your kids, they’re probably already Murderers and I hate them. But that’s your buddy there tied to a house. You invited him over… For his whole entire life. He just wants to go for a walk. Take him for a fucking walk please. You look like you need to walk away from this mess for 10 minutes yourself… and nobody knows you like your buddy. Not your stupid kids or your idiot husband. Only three beings know you well enough to know what you need: You, Your Buddy, and the Shadow… Because the shadow knows!!! Dammit! You’re acting like a piece of SHIT!” But I didn’t yell anything. I’m not super crazy.

I want to feel bad for this woman, I really do. But if you tie your buddy to a house, and leave them there… You’re a piece of shit. If I tied my best friend Amanda to a house, I would expect her to stab my face off while she called me a “real piece of shit”.
You don’t have to be the Shadow to look into the eye of an animal or through the eyes of Sarah McLachlan to see that there are so000 many dog feelings in there. Sure, it will feel different when it’s yours, it’s super true. So be careful not to ask for more giant robots than you can Handle. Just to keep wanting to scream some very basic ideas at a sad lady on her own front lawn.
Or
Just Walk your Effing Dog and don’t be a fuck about it. Please and/or thank you.

Last week I took Burke for a Walk, then we made a talk show. Then we played in a field.
Here’s the talkshow…

 Click here to Watch and Subscribe on YouTube.

Also Listen to the Podcast on iTunes. Plus we have books, art and more on our site.
www.NoSuchThingAsGrownups.Com