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The Squirrel Debate


Everyone is probably not talking about the Squirrel Debate. I am actually wondering if there is a squirrel debate. There probably isn’t. But what if there was?

I just saw about 59, or a thousand squirrels in the past 2 days. Plus, I was just followed down the street by this one squirrel. A squirrel that parkoured over and through everything near and far. Always keeping an eye on me like a CG character. This British guy was like, “When they look at you, you can see they’re figuring things out. Systematically testing the fences.”
Are they CG? It would make more sense to me if you told me some algorithms were animating them. That way I’d know that they’re ability to defy all gravity and law, would be harmless. Existing to amuse me and make the world a better place.
But this squirrel was mostly showing me that it could jump as high as my throat. It also made sure I knew it could perform complicated actions in mid-air. It’s claws could could obviously cut through tree trunks without a second thought about the environment or people that care about me.
It just parkoured in that way you do, when you’re about to tear someone’s throat out and say, “Yes! The squirrels are just taking over now… on a Tuesday! We’re the kings of the Matrix Shit-head! We can upside-down!”
Then they do. They just take over. They’re quick. Sooo quick.

No I don’t think we need a Preemptive strike. I’m not saying let’s throw around acts of war. Not at all.
I am however, terrified of America.
I’m not even going to point at anything specific. Just. All of it.

I’m hoping that “meanwhile in Canada” my biggest worry is maaaaybe… these squirrels eh?
Or whatever you got. I can probably jump on board with your thing instead. Too many Deer on your Snowmobile trail? Bacon prices? They’re crazy right? Way crazier than that other thing that’s going crazy down there. Ya’ know… super deadly squirrels.

Seriously though. That thing was moving like it was being directed by Ang Lee.

The End.


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