Tag Archives: trump

The Squirrel Debate

 

Everyone is probably not talking about the Squirrel Debate. I am actually wondering if there is a squirrel debate. There probably isn’t. But what if there was?

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I just saw about 59, or a thousand squirrels in the past 2 days. Plus, I was just followed down the street by this one squirrel. A squirrel that parkoured over and through everything near and far. Always keeping an eye on me like a CG character. This British guy was like, “When they look at you, you can see they’re figuring things out. Systematically testing the fences.”
Are they CG? It would make more sense to me if you told me some algorithms were animating them. That way I’d know that they’re ability to defy all gravity and law, would be harmless. Existing to amuse me and make the world a better place.
But this squirrel was mostly showing me that it could jump as high as my throat. It also made sure I knew it could perform complicated actions in mid-air. It’s claws could could obviously cut through tree trunks without a second thought about the environment or people that care about me.
It just parkoured in that way you do, when you’re about to tear someone’s throat out and say, “Yes! The squirrels are just taking over now… on a Tuesday! We’re the kings of the Matrix Shit-head! We can upside-down!”
Then they do. They just take over. They’re quick. Sooo quick.

No I don’t think we need a Preemptive strike. I’m not saying let’s throw around acts of war. Not at all.
I am however, terrified of America.
I’m not even going to point at anything specific. Just. All of it.

I’m hoping that “meanwhile in Canada” my biggest worry is maaaaybe… these squirrels eh?
Or whatever you got. I can probably jump on board with your thing instead. Too many Deer on your Snowmobile trail? Bacon prices? They’re crazy right? Way crazier than that other thing that’s going crazy down there. Ya’ know… super deadly squirrels.

Seriously though. That thing was moving like it was being directed by Ang Lee.

The End.

 

Now you Want to listen to a show that’s not about Squirrels or Trump?… Here it is!

No Such Thing As Grown Ups!

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www.NoSuchThingAsGrownups.Com

 

 

No Such Thing as Blog Rants: How to be the Best Apprentice by Curtis Carey

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An apprenticeship involves learning from an experienced professional while getting your hands dirty earning your own experience. It doesn't involve a King-like man giving vague challenges to a group of inexperienced gameshow contestants and encouraging them to fight like abused dogs.

If it does, I'm super glad I just went to college and got a job with those skills. If I had to jump into a completely new job I'd hope my new boss didn't try to get me to blame my co-workers for being mean on the playground. I would much rather that I could learn at the end of a super-new task... From an expert millionaire no less. But no, the King would much rather laugh at the incompetent maniacs. And pit volatile people against each other with simple verbal pokes and prods.

I'm taking about Celebrity Apprentice... Which is insane. Mostly because it's a gameshow for charity. The brain breaking part is the more money these people raise for their charities the more they forget they're raising money for charity... With celebrities. That's a fun thing. Like Celebrity Jeopardy isn't a 2 hour panic attack where people cry more than once an episode. It's fun instead.

These people have something fun or complicated to do and as soon as the start gun fires these adults and millionaires become The Lord of the Flies kids. They should be more like Lords of the dance... And their mentor should tell them that. Not just at the end either. I mean, isn't that what Mr. Trump's side kicks are for? They really just judge?

An ideal version would be to pick a leader then just do what that person would do how they would do it. Maybe you'll lose, but at least everyone is working on the same gameshow task instead of plotting to set everyone to receive more blame than themselves. It might not be as intense, but it's a game... For charity. It's too much like adding bulls to a fun-run for literacy. Yeah you might die, or have a mental breakdown... But it's for charity. Hate and revenge just doesn't mix in the same bowl as charity and when it does, it makes anxiety cake.

Who the hell keeps ordering anxiety cake instead of hilarious fun cake?!

Here's A play that's probably true:

Little Girl -Mommy? How did we pay for my super scary, life-or-death operation that saved for my life?

Mom - Oh, I have it DVRed right here... You see hunny, that woman said that other woman has a fake ass implant.

Little Girl - What?

Mom - So now, that ass implant woman is explaining how the other woman's husband left her for a younger prettier woman. While this other weird haired man is encouraging everyone to go nuts... Like a drunken Roman party from a million years ago.

Little Girl - I don't understand you mommy, I still feel so weak?

Mom - Anyway... That's why Lorenzo Lamas paid for your transplants.

Little Girl -Who's Lorenzo Lamas mommy?

Mom - Oh, he used to ride motorcycles with his shirt off on TV for mommies to watch.

Little Girl - Mommy?

The end.

The greatest player to ever play the game of Apprentice was J'il Jon. The fun little rapper with a heart of gold. He seemed to actually be on a gameshow in which he tried hard to win money for his charity and make his mom proud.

Rule one of any apprenticeship should always be... Do your best to make your mom proud. Especially if she can see you on TV being a shit head.

Especially.

Curtis Carey is the co-host of No Such Thing as Grown Ups Podcast. In his spare time he stop motions TMNT figurines on Vine, draws comics and animates videos about a diabetic cat MILO, he is also the art director at Eggroll Digital Studios making games for your phones like NSTAGU 7 Minutes 2 Survive!